Sarkozy, Bush, Gaddafi and Canada

Stephen Harper and his wife Laureen are in Paris. It’s about midnight and there is no one around. Stephen holds up a small piece of paper with an address on it, not sure he’s at the right place.

-I told you it’s too late, Stephen! Everybody’s gone!

-Trust me honey, this is when French parties get started. We’re fine.

Stephen sees a man smoking a cigarette and walks up to him holding his piece of paper.

-Exkweesay moi, savay vous oo ey l’Eleesaye?

The man smells like cigarettes and Pinot Noir. He doesn’t even look at the piece of paper. He just shakes his head.

-Stephen Harper. Never thought I’d see the day we’d be at the same party.

-AngryFrenchGuy! I thought you looked familiar!

-Stephen Harper, the friend of France! Who would’ve thought? Trudeau was never a friend of France. Chrétien was never a friend of France. And then you, the rigid policy wonk from Calgary, you’re the one who gets the president of France to declare: « Our friends, the Canadians, our brothers, the Québécois ». Way to make it with the cool kids, neighbour!

-Don’t forget he also said he prefered a united Canada!

-Yeah, yeah.. whatever. C’mon I’ll introduce you to everybody.

-Are you sure it’s this way?

-Hey. This is my cousin’s house.

AngryFrenchGuy, Stephen and Laureen walk up the stairs to a vast room filled with people and cigarette smoke. EuroHouse music is playing very loud. AFG points over to a small gray-haired man standing by himself in a corner.

-That’s George W. Bush over there.

-Wow. I thought France and the USA we’re not getting along! Darn, even Republicans don’t want to be seen with Bush anymore!

-Hey, Bush is not only Sarkozy’s friend, he’s his brother! The first thing Nic did when he was elected President was have a barbeque at the Bush house in Kennebunkport. « Even within a family there are disagreements », he said, « but we are still a family. And we may be friends and not agree on everything, but we are friends. »

-He said Bush was family...?

-Check it out! See that guy over there with the soul glow hair and the hot female bodyguards? That’s Colonel Mouamar al-Ghaddafi!

-Gaddafi? I thought we weren’t talking to him?

-Sarko is talking to him. He’s a friend of the family. He invited him to France for his first official visit in 34 years. He also negociated with him for the release of those Bulgarian nurses.

-But you can’t negociate with terrorists! That defeats the whole purpose!

-Sarko also talks to them all the time. When he was mayor of Neuilly there was this guy called the Human Bomb who took an entire class of schoolchildren hostage. Sarko negociated with him on TV!

-On TV!? That’s dangerous! A head of State just can’t go around talking to anyone, giving them credibility!

-Sure he can! Check it out over there: That’s Alvaro Uribe, the president of Colombia. Sarko talks to him. And over there in the fatigues, that’s the Colombian revolutionaries of the FARC. Sarko also talks to them. Oh! come here!

AFG grabs Stephen’s hand and drags him over to two angry looking men with red, white and blue ribbons accross their chests. One is old and sitting, the other is middle aged and standing.

-Stephen, I’d like you to meet Jean-Marie Le Pen, leader of the Front National and Vladimir Poutin, President of Russia.

-Le Pen? You can’t be a friend of Sarkozy!

-I am not. He eez a dirtee immigrant.

-But why are you at his party?

-I have to come here to see my friends, now. Before, ze other partees they leeve me alone with my supporters. This Sarkozy he openly copies my ideas and reeche out to my supporters.

-Is there anybody this Sarkozy will not be associated with? My God! Terrorists! Fascists! George W. Bush for crying out loud…

Stephen can’t finish his thought because Vladimir Poutin has him in a jiu-jitsu hold and has his face 2 centimeters from his own.

-You listen. Sarkozy is good man. He is only western leader who call me when I have big electoral victory in 2007. No one else call me. Be careful what you say. Sarkozy is my friend.

Poutin eventually let’s go of Stephen and he and AFG walk back towards the stairs. Stephen turns towards AFG.

-Listen, AFG… I’m going to go, now. I’m just not comfortable with this crowd. I thought this was a good move, you know, normalizing Canadian relations with France and getting the French president to support a united Canada… But I’m not so sure anymore. I mean, this guy will be friends with anyone! It’s ridiculous! How can YOU be friends with him?

-Oh, I think Sarkozy is a fucking jerk! He’s a disgrace and an embarassement! He’s not my friend at all, he’s my cousin! You know what they say: you can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your family…